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Off The Gird takes place every Thursday from 5-9pm at the Presidio until September 19th, 2019. Bring your loved ones and check out the many delicious food trucks, with options for everyone!
"Are You Okay"
I took a week away from social media. It wasn't planned, but i'm going to do it more often. Even though it is a major part of what I do for a living. Last week was one of those weeks that just felt so draining. Literally, i'm kinda exhausted. I'm exhausted over everything going on around me. Am I okay?... Yeah, i'm okay. Am I 100%... no, no i'm not. I want to be open about my struggles. Because I am struggling. There are days when I think, oh! I can be okay today. Then I find myself sitting there and just thinking. Which leads to me being an emotional wreck. I can't stop thinking about all the bad that is around us right now. Boy, if I could spill the tea, I would. But, it's not my place to do that. It's not the time. Even though I can't do that in my public diary, that doesn't mean I can't tell those that I am close to, about how i'm feeling. I've been opening up a lot more. I have to talk to them, otherwise, i'm going to be drowning. No air to breathe. I already feel that way on some days. I watched an on going after show for one of my favorite shows, "Big Little Lies". Shai Woodley brought up, you have to be willing to accept the help. You need to be vulnerable enough to let down those walls. For me, these walls weren't even a thing 5 months ago. Now they have come out of nowhere to torture me. I'm reliving feelings that I don't want to relive. I was fine. I mean, I thought I was fine. I thought I had healed those traumatizing memories. In closing, Shai Woodley brought up, healing does exist, it's not easy, and it's never fully realized. Zoe Kravitz really brought up, how i'm feeling right now. You trick yourself into thinking you are healed, but something could happen and it could bring those feelings back to the surface. They come back, because you have to go through the messy and uncomfortable parts of healing. Healing is sometimes not very pretty. You see, I thought I was healed. I mean, I got sick and it pushed those nightmares aside, for a new set of nightmares within my disease. But the fact of the matter is, now that i'm sitting here looking back, reliving the nightmare I was living in prior to Glaucoma, I never went through the messy part of healing. I never felt these uncomfortable feelings. Now, more than ever, I get why all these men and women are coming forward during the "Me Too" and "Time's Up" era. We make ourselves think we are healed, but when something comes around and brings back up those memories, who wouldn't want to speak up. Some people just do it more publicly. Then there are people like me, who will admit that we are struggling, but we save details for privacy, because it's not just us, it's more than one of us, feeling those same emotions, just in different ways. We process it in our own way. There is right time and right place to speak up. I'll get my time one day, but for now, all I can do is address it, and maybe help people be able to address their underlining trauma. So when someone asks you, are you okay? You can say, yes, but you can also admit, you're not always okay. If there is one thing I am learning during this healing process, it's okay to speak to those close to you. Tighten your inner circle, have that support team. Because I need it right now, and i'm pretty sure you would need it too. We are all just fighting on to be more than okay. We must. We can't quit on ourselves, especially since we have come so far.
"This Is Why I Need You" (feat. Presidio Twilight: Off The Gird)
Making your inner circle tight, means cutting some people out of your life. I was talking to one of my bro's about this recently. I already have a tight enough circle, but I guess I could afford to cut one person or 2. People who just don't seem to get me or my vision. Especially with all the hell i'm going through right now. I found out a friend of mine was visiting recently. They didn't even care to say they are here. I'm saying "they", because this whole non binary thing seems to really be taking off lately. Anyways, I took major offense to it. I mean, to go as far as blocking me from seeing things. They didn't have to do that. It felt like a blow to me, because I look up to these people and i'm already being hurt in other avenues. I just didn't think someone, who I considered a friend, would just shut me out. I understand we are all going through our own problems, and I would have understood that they didn't want to meet up, because they just wanted to be away from everyone for a second. I get that 100%. Especially with what i'm going through right now, I get that. But to sneak around and just be shady about it, I don't like that. So i'm keeping my distance from them. I already have enough on my plate, and this is just unnecessary for me to loose sleep over, when i'm already loosing sleep over everything else. I needed a day to be with people who I love and consider to be close to me. So my sister Courtney, who has been one of my rocks over the last few months, really, she has been my right hand. I asked her if we could go to this event at the Presidio. It's a food truck festival set during sunset. I saw photos on instagram and wanted to check it out for myself. I invited Danny to come along, because it is just so good to have a guy friend here in SF. Not just that, someone who I look up to as an older brother figure. He has really been here for me too. When I need to vent, I text these 2 or call whoever I consider close to me. It's nights like this, that i'm so grateful, that they can give me a space to breathe. Because I feel so isolated. Like i'm locked back up in the closet that the person who hurt me, put me in, and took the air away from me, all over again. I need a support team. This time it's not going to take one person, it's gonna take more than one, to help me stand and be able to face what I have faced, head on, all over again, in this whole new way. I try to make time for my loved ones, so that I can feel a sense of somberness, amongst all the rage. It is with my loved ones and friends, that if I need to scream, I can scream. If I need to say FUCK on endless repeat, I will say it. If I need to cry, I can cry and just have someone to listen to me, while I let out what I need to let out. Because I need to let out these emotions. I'm pouring it into my music and to these entries, but that's not enough for me, it has gone far and beyond that. This is why I need them to help me to swim back to shore. I don't want to drown. I just want nights like this. Nights where I can be surrounded by relaxed people in an environment that feels safe and warm. Days and nights when I can just wear a smile on my face for a few hours, before I go back home to sleep, and wake up to the harsh reality that is life. I don't know where i'd be if I didn't have the support that I have right now. I'm not doing the best, but i'm doing my best to be okay. With the people I love, by my side, I'll be okay. I'll find my way to get through this messy healing phase. In the end, i'll look back at this, more grateful than before. I always come out on top, on the other side. I've done time and time again, I don't know how the outcome of this one will be, but at least i'll have helming hands to guide me through, as I continue growing, as I go.
& Dom Baza
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Winnetka Bowling League, Jeans - Forever 21
Wat I'm Wearing: Shirt - Vintage Find, Pants - Uniqlo, Shoes - Calvin Klein
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Page 147 & Page 148
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 15
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)