"Grown Up Christmas List"
As we head into Christmas eve I feel the holiday really start to tug on my heart. The year will be over next week. It will be time for me to prep for something that i've kept to myself for awhile. In 1 month, i'll be going in for my 7th eye surgery. I didn't want to write about it in my diary, because I felt like it wasn't the right time to let out those emotions, until it got closer to the operation date. Well, now it is closer to that date. I was supposed to get the surgery this week. I wanted to hold off and wait until 2019, so I can have a little more time to spend with those I love, before I take some time away from everything. I'm headed into year 5 with this disease of mine. My glaucoma hasn't really been the main star of the show this last year. Sure, I had surgery 6, which was a true pain in the ass, but I moved on from that better than I ever thought I would. It honestly was a great launching point for the rest of my story to unfold around me. I knew I had to go in for surgery since June of this year. Surgery 6 did not go as planned. My doctor wanted to give it another shot. I was hesitant. Going in for these operations takes a lot out of me. Mentally and physically. I was not prepared for the pain I faced in April. That was so unexpected. I'm not prepared for the pain I will face in 1 month. Although, I am prepared to get this done. I want it out of my way. I have never gone into a Christmas, knowing that i'm about to get operated on. I had surgery 5 done before the holidays in 2016, but I never had a holiday season where I knew I would be operated on after Christmas. It's my favorite holiday and it feels bittersweet because it's one of the happiest moments that i'll have before I take a break from it all. If this goes right, which it should, this will be my last surgery for awhile. Please god, let it be my last surgery for awhile. I don't think I can take going through this again, at least not in the same year, heck even 2 years. I need a break from these surgeries after this operation. Am I scared? Absolutely not, I am pro at this already. Although, I am nervous for what is after this. Just like in April, it leaves a whole bunch of blank pages for me to fill in. Even more interesting, this is the first time I will be going in for a surgery as new me. I didn't have the experiences I lived through this past year, before I did surgery 6. Going into surgery 7, I have these last incredible 9 months worth of personal growth and development to keep me stronger than ever. Over the year, as I've stepped out into the world, I have seen more hurt and pain in other peoples eyes. I am all too familiar with those feelings. Seeing that go on in children, men and woman, it's heartbreaking. I'm not just talking about Glaucoma, i'm talking about the lives lost in the shootings and the fires, the homes lost from how fast they burned, the families separated and kept from each other, the men and woman who were violated and felt unworthy, the many other countless diseases ruining peoples lives and some ended from them... that's what I have seen. In this new "Trump age", it is a lot darker than before. I mean, i've been living behind dark shades since I went to Miley's concert and woke up blind... but you get what I mean. As I head into this surgery, I have one thing to ask Santa. Last year I wrote in my diary, " Dear santa, all I want for Christmas is a better 2018." Damn, he delivered. This year I want to expand on that. Like I said in the page before this, as I get older, I don't care about materialistc things. All I want is love and to give love to world that needs it. Santa, all I want is for an expanded version of what you have given me this past year. I want an even better year filled with extra hope, extra strength, more lessons, more adventures, and more love. That's what I truly want. I want year with less pain for me and less pain for everyone else around me. I know it will be a difficult year for some. I just hope it won't be for me and those that I love. My Christmas wish from last year came true. I had rough start to 2018... but it got so good and it is ending better than I ever thought it would. I hope that these words that I write would stick to the people who peak in my diary. I hope that one day when my nephews grow up and get out of a material phase, that they would want something similar, heck something even better. I hope that no matter how old I get, I'll still write a christmas wish like this, because this for me, is what christmas is about. A restoration of hope and love for the time that we'll truly need some. As I decorate our Christmas tree and put the wrapped presents under the tree, i'm the most grateful I have ever been. The next month and the months afterwards will be very interesting. I don't know what they will hold, but I can only hope that santa and those above me can hear my Christmas wishes, from my grown up Christmas list.
Photographer: Dom Baza
What i'm wearing: Sweater - Disney, Jeans & Shoes - H&M
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - Chapter 9
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)