"He Was My Brother"
Another day waking up at 4am. I swear I wake up to do work, but deep down inside I know it is because I am starting to feel this move come to the surface. I have this knot in my stomach. I'm not scared, but I am nervous. It's normal to be nervous. As I begin to spend more time than usual with everyone that I love, it is becoming more apparent that i'm gonna be leaving them behind. That part makes me nervous. I know i'm going to be fine, I know I can do this, but that doesn't push aside my human nerves. I really am starting to feel this part of my life come to a close. I always pictured an ending, but now that i'm living in it, it's surreal. It's surreal to be having these thoughts and thinking about myself in a whole new environment, one month from now. My siblings mean a lot to me. Blood or not. From Courtney, Dan, Dash, Jamie, Steven, and so on. I have a handful that I consider my brothers and sisters. I cherish the bond that I have with everyone. I really hope I can create that kinda bond in New York, with the guys and girls I consider brothers and sisters there as well. Growing up I had the privilege of being handed a brother via my god brother, Braeden. Damn was I lucky to grow up with a first cousin, a god brother, and eventually, straight up, my brother. I don't have that kinda bond with everyone in my family. So I cherish my brother, and only hope I can do right by him, via my own life. Yesterday we spent the day in SF. We have been planning on this for months. By months, I mean before I got hit by the damn car. We were just waiting and waiting for the right time and schedules to align. FINALLY, we got to have a true brother day. I always wanted to be an older brother. I really did. I didn't have that, so god gave me my god brother, and then down the line, Courtney, and then Steven. Like I said, I never had an older brother in my life, until Dan came into it. For me, Dan is my older brother. I just want to be as cool as him, so that way my god brother can look up to me, like I look up to Dan. I know I said I ain't no fucking role model, but I do want my siblings to be able to look up and look to me, and vice versa. I wish we had done this more. Have more brother days, while I was actually in SF 24/7. But like everything else lately, it's better late than never. We went to this Japanese style spa. We didn't know what to do yesterday, so in true yes theory fashion, I said what the hell, i'm down to go. This spa was in the Tenderloin. If you're from SF, you know that area IS NOT SAFE. Watch Beautiful Boy with Timmy Chalamet and Steve Carell, you'll understand what I mean. Anyways, it was strange to see such a 5 star place in a really "rustic" area. It was all male day at the spa. So bathing suits were not required. Listen, i'm still growing into myself. Just because I date dudes, doesn't mean i'm used to seeing them butt naked in the steam room, lol. I wanted to try this out though. I feel like everyone has at least 1 experience in a nude location in their life time. I mean god gave us gifts for a reason. Some people just want to use that reason and share it with the world. Good on them, lol. Braeden and I went into the steam room for a hot second. Honestly thought I was gonna die, like you can't see in the room. But I get why people use these rooms and what not. It does really help. In fact I feel so refreshed right now. It was nice just to be able to experience something so odd for me, with my brother. I mean, this is something I won't forget. Partially because i'm moving, and partially because of the 2 naked men who literally had nothing to hide. Like them, I hope I have no shame in the future. I applaud them, because we should be happy in our own skin. I'm building towards that, give me some time. It's the little things though, like our conversations about our upbringing, hell even dating. I'm going to New York on my own, and I have no clue where to even start with that. I'm not in a rush, but it's been a really long time. Years ago I wouldn't even want to talk to my brother about dating, but like I said earlier, i'm growing into myself. These kinda conversations are things I am getting more comfortable with. I don't know about everyone else, but I do like having opinions about dating and what not, especially from my brothers. After our in depth spa day, we left the Tenderloin and headed to Japan town. God, I love it there. I live in SF and don't go there often. I pass it all the time. But the times that I do go there, they are always special. We ate at this ramen place. I forgot the name of it, but if you're familiar with the area, you'll know what i'm talking about. The line at this place was long. So we just went with the crowd. Thank god we did. That was some of the best vegan ramen I have ever tried. It fulfilled my soul, just like the day I had with my brother. You know, I don't know if knows this, but I examine everything, and mentally take photos in my head. Especially since I got Glaucoma, I try to take mental pics in my head, in case I really am not able to see one day. Some of my mental pics from today are the kindness my brother exudes. Like there was this lady on bart who fell backwards, and he got up and helped her right away. That's the kinda shit that makes me proud to be family. Other things like the quiet moments at the arcades as I watch him kill another game, or his vast taste in music from musical theater to the The 1975. That kinda stuff always will stick with me. I don't know why, but it just really shows me how much we are growing and getting older. Moving into the phases of our lives where we are meant to be.
I remember when my nina, his mom, gave birth to him. It's still fresh in my head. Father of the Bride part 2 was on tv that night. I was in the middle of watching it and didn't want to leave the house because it wasn't finished, lol. I did though, I was kid, I could not stay home alone. I remember going to the hospital that night to meet him for the first time. Who would've though that nearly 20 years later, he would grow into one of the best guys out there. Young me never could have imagined he would become more than my god brother, and my cousin, but become my little brother. I will never stop saying this, but i'm so grateful god made me blood with him. I only hope I do right by him, by going out and doing my best to do what I am meant to do. I don't wanna let any of them down, I don't wanna let him down. I hope as I leave and go do some more growing, that i'll be able to set the example older brothers should set, like the example Dan sets for me. My story ending in California is bittersweet, but my heart already knows, so much more is gonna happen for myself and everyone around me, as we truly take on this new world. As for my brother, bonds can be tried, but they can't be broke. No matter where I am in this world, I got his back, and I know he has mine. If you're reading this bro, I love you. Now let's just do it, live a little life. Do me a favor, remember the motto i'm living by now, via the amazing dudes at seek discomfort, love over fear. Love over fear, always.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What I'm Wearing: Jacket - Vintage Find, Jeans - Forever 21, Shoes - Nike
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 16: THE FINAL PAGES
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)