I feel like this is the non filtered version of what I just released out into the public. My first diary entry just went live. How daunting is that? Like people are going to read my thoughts out loud. Who's crazy idea was this?... oh yeah, me. Anyways, this is some weird shit. Life has been rough. I'm fucking blonde, I look like crap, oh and my parents almost flew off a cliff last week. I didn't directly say their name in the public version of this entry, only out of respect for them. I hope as I grow and as the pages in this diary fills up, I hope that i'll be able to be more non filtered. Right now i'm just being shy and coy about things, but I hope that i'm able to start getting more in detail about everything moving forward. I had the flu last week, maybe it will help me look less bloated. I do not like the way I look at all. I feel so off balanced. Pietro said I look horrible with the blonde hair, it's nice to have your support babe.... He's right though. It literally wasn't my fault though. My hair dresser wasn't able to get my hair to the color that we wanted, now it's kinda just stuck there. I'm so thrilled. NOT. That's the least of my concern though. Waking up to a phone call from your mom while she's on the side of a cliff with your dad. That is just a nightmare. I really wish I addressed this in public, but this is something better kept between our family for now. My parents probably have some sort of PTSD now. It's been rough since they returned. I don't really know what else to say. It's been really hard for all of us. You know, we have all this stuff going on with my eye and to add this on top of all that, it sucks. I feel like the world is against me, and I ain't even out there living some sort of life. I'm not free from everything. I'm still struggling with my eye, my weight, accepting myself, and self love. I hope that as I grow into who I want to be, that i'll be able to conquer this all. I'm only 21. But i've gone through a lot over the last few years. Too much for me that my heart genuinely hurts. I'm over here writing to the public about being hopeful through the darkness of it all, which is great and all, but I feel like I need to be more brave in the words I put out there. If ever want to get back out in the world, once there is a pathway for me, then I need to take all the bad things that have happened, and turn them into something better. I have no one but my thoughts and myself to talk about these things that are really bugging me. Maybe I should join therapy?... lol, like I would do that. But seriously, I have a golden opportunity here to use all these bad things in my life, and turn them into some sort of template for people who are struggling. I know i'm not the only one struggling. So many more people are struggling. I hope that as I fill up this diary, it grows into something everyone can look back on. Regardless of how shitty this is starting out, it can always turn into something more. I asked myself, How's The World Treating You?... Well, the answer is still, not so well. But I gotta give myself time to figure out how to let all this bad turn into something good. Nothing can stay bad forever, it's up to us to make it better. We have to find the will power within us, to turn that nay into yay. I hope I find my will power. I know it's not going to be easy. With all that has happened and will happen, but a wise verse in a song once said, "if something good can come from bad, then the past can rest in peace." So, i'm gonna make something good come from bad. I just hope people accept that, and follow me along for the ride. I'm gonna get back out into the world one day. It may be turning against me right now, but I know one day I will say, I made it back out into the world, a world that is giving me a chance, a chance I am giving myself.
Photographer: Joey Marie
What I'm Wearing: Shirt: Apt 9, Sweater: Calvin Klein, Pants: Calvin Klein, Shoes: Apt 9
Every other post I will include a song or playlist that's inspiring me and guiding me on my journey. Here's this week's. Hope you press play.
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 16: THE FINAL PAGES
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)