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"I'm A Survivor"
We made it. I'm finally going in for my 7th eye surgery on Tuesday morning. After a few personal hurdles over the last few weeks, and even this past weekend, I feel the most content I have ever felt going into an operation. It feels like a holiday of sorts, every time I have to go in for an operation, it's always leading to the big event. It's just a little more scary in my case. I can't believe this is my 5th year with this disease. Next month marks 5 years since it all went down. It is so meta that i'm getting this 7th eye surgery during National Glaucoma awareness month. I've never had a surgery right as the year started. So we can mark that off the list of things I never thought I would have to do. It is kinda sad that I am so used to these operations now. I will admit, it very much so is taking a toll on me. I do hope this is my last one for this year, for a few years, however long I can stay away from it. I know it won't be my last one, i'm still going to come out of this operation with this disease. But, If we can just take a break for a second. It's been 5 years and 7 surgeries. That's way too much for me to handle. I was ready to tap out at 6. I was hoping to tap out at 6. It didn't work. Do I feel this one will be my last one for awhile? Yes I do. I sure hope so. I can't see myself going in every single year for an operation. I was lucky we got to skip 2017. But the year away from it, really did drain me last year. It took me 2 months to recover. Even though I was out in public and resuming life, it took 2 months for that pain the surgery had given me, to go away. 2018's operation was one of the most painful ones that I have received. I know i'm going to be hurting this week and in the weeks to come. I know i'm going to feel like a big piece of shit, but I have come so far and damn it, I'm not stopping here when I know the best is yet to come. It's a miracle that I have survived through this all. To think, when I first got Glaucoma, I was severely depressed. I got to a point where I wanted to end my life. I don't think i've really talked about that. But I genuinely hated life. I hated what I was going through. I hated the thought of not being able to live a normal life. The thought that one day I would go blind. I'm so grateful that one day I was able to wake up and have the light shine on me. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, hell, it is still not easy, but I knew there was still more to the story. I have gone through a lot, too much, some people have gone through more, it's not fair, but we have to find a way to fight these battles. If I never got sick, I don't think my story would be as interesting as it is now. This disease has given me an extra part of myself to express. At the start, I hated Glaucoma. It took me so long to accept what had happened to me and use it to my advantage. I didn't think there was any stories for me to tell with this. But I learned that there was way more to it than that. Over the last 5 years I have seen so many people with this disease. I have read stories, I have seen them with my one eye, I see what this has done for some people. I'm in a private support group and it helps to have an outlet to talk to people who are going through the same things. It hurts me to see other people hurt. It hurts me to have seen other people go through this. When I first got diagnosed, I was one of the youngest patients in Northern California. As I got older, I kept and continue to see younger kids get this disease and have to go through what I have gone through. It hurts to see that. But it makes the drive to keep going stronger. I want these people like me, to see that it is okay to not be okay. I locked myself away in a tower and refused to live a life. I was living for my treatments, but I wasn't living for me. Now I obviously have chosen to live for myself. It's scary as hell, but you have to jump and keep jumping. Life is hard, life is messy. This illness that burdened me, is just an extension of who I am now. I finally feel worthy of this life that I felt so unworthy of. Some people may not see it that way, but I feel worthy of continuing what I started and giving it an ending it deserves. I feel like this right here is the middle of a cycle. I was just talking to Dashia on Friday and she said, you know, this is going to come full circle for you. I started out in the music industry, I got sick and ended up here, I have got to end up where I started, and this time do it all better, knowing I already walked that path. People have tried to tear me down, this illness has tried and continues to try and tear me down. But i'm not letting it knock me down anymore, I haven't been for a while now. This is my story and I refused the ending life had given me. Now I have to find a way to write a better one. Over the next few weeks, as I go through remission I will solidify those thoughts and see what I can do. I have a very clear idea of where i'm headed. I just hope it's where I need to be. I told myself I was going to say yes more, and feel more whole. I do, but now fear is kicking in. Not fear for this surgery, just you know, when you love someone, when you love the people you love, and the life you lead, you get scared to loose them, that's apart of love, I guess. My heart is filled with that and I don't want it to go away. I know in life you have to loose some things. I'm just not ready to face that again, after I exit this surgery. I know I'm a survivor, I ain't gonna give up so easily. I haven't yet, nor do I plan to. I don't know how, but somehow, someway, I will survive.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What i'm wearing: Blazer - Saks 5th Ave, Shirt - Good Fellow, Jeans - H&M, Shoes - Good Fellow
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - Chapter 10
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)