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START OF THE 16th AND FINAL CHAPTER
"It's Time To Let It Go" (feat. Madewell)
I woke up one day and it turned to dust. I thought I was found, then I lost myself again, only to lead me to this moment. I've evolved in such a short period of time. For a second, I was evolving into someone, someone darker. Sure, I still have that darkness, but I now know how to control it, especially after going through something so twisted, like I did last week. My outsides, definitely show the mood i'm feeling on the inside. But there is still that little glimmer of hope, through the growth that is now showcased. I had a really bad summer. I've had a really bad few months. When I got hit by the car, my mind shifted back to the mind of the guy I was, the night before I left New York. It took something so drastic, for him to come back to me. I needed that part of myself, in order to survive. Over the last few months, I didn't have that apart of me. I was hanging by a thread. As much as I showcased, embracing the dark side, I never really got into detail, about how dark it was actually getting for me. If I embraced it all the way, I would become someone that needed help getting back their life. Because, that is how bad my mind wanted to explode. After the big boom that entered my life so suddenly, I thought about so many different things. As I said, I am so grateful to be here and alive. I need to do my best to live in this moment, because the past continues to haunt me. That past has given me, one of the worst summers of my life. If you look back at this diary of mine, you'll see that summer 2017, was not good. Summer 2018, was perfect. Summer 2019, honestly, worst than summer 2017. It's like an array of emotions jam packed with lows, highs, and even lower lows. How do I recover from that? That right there is the big question moving forward. The only way for me to answer that, is to do something so drastic. I was always bound to leave California. It was always in the cards and always something I wanted to do. I wanted to do this earlier. My original plan was to leave by June 2019. That didn't happen and I think part of the reason why it didn't happen, was because I never really firmly put my foot down and put it out into the world. Instead I got sucked in by some vortex that took me down a very dark memory lane. Getting hit by the car, that was my Dorthy Gale moment. She got sucked up by the twister, only to go down a dark path. A path that lead her to click those heels, and start over, brand new. Dorthy had a few moments to say goodbye to those that she loves and has loved along the way. In those brief moments, things became more clear for the girl from Kansas. She knew that every experience she had walking down the yellow brick road, will help her when she sets out on a new journey, on another brick road. Right now, for the next 2 months, it is time for me to have those brief moments, as I walk down the road that is leading to the exit sign, of my yellow brick road. I am leaving California. By Thanksgiving 2019, I will leave California. Things are so unclear, my mind is not ready for that, but my heart, my heart has never been more ready to say goodbye to all i've known. It is time to close this story of my life, and open a new book, for a new life. In order for me to become who i'm meant to be, I need to leave behind all that i've known, to become someone more than I could ever imagine. Walking down this dark path I have been on, it reminded how i'm constantly haunted by the past that will always remain here. I can't live a life looking over my shoulder, worried about my past catching up to me. I have to live a life where I can move forward. I've done my best to move forward, within the comfort of my home, and home state. But seeking discomfort, means stepping away from a place, no matter how bad things have gotten, a place I will always love, my home of California. Just because i'm going to leave, doesn't mean there is no room for more of California, somewhere down the line of my next life, in my next story.
I go out to the harbor here at the Embarcadero. I always come out to reflect. Especially when it is night time, the lights shine bright, and it so pretty witness. The lights are a reflection of my life. I have lived in California for 24 years. I always wanted it to stay in one way, and accomplish what I have always wanted, within boundaries that i've grown up in. I wanted it to stay in place. That way I can always have a firm grip of everything. But i've grown, and i'm not a child that can keep holding on forever. I'm not the child who thought I could hold on forever. I am someone else now, and this person deserves a chance to live. After all i've been through, I deserve a chance to live. No matter how much it may hurt to say goodbye, It will be what is best for me and who I will become. It's time to live in those moments, and let the brief moments of goodbye, begin. I think i'm gonna miss those harbor lights. I know I will, but it's time to let it go. It is time to let go.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson, Xavier Wesley (archived photo)
What i'm wearing: Jacket - Madewell, Jeans - Forever 21, T-Shirt - H&M, Flannel - Timberland, Shoes - Madewell
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 16: THE FINAL CHAPTER
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)