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"My Prerogative" (feat. MVMT)
It is nearly 4pm and I wish I was sleeping, but i've had a shitty kind of day. My Glaucoma is seriously bringing me down right now. It's Friday so I had to take my steroid dose today. Not so pleased that it really drained me...
Update. I wrote that portion yesterday and i'm just now coming back to it. I had to turn off the world for a sec. My eye was just killing me and I needed to sleep. I slept like all day. I realized this when I woke up at 7am today and had no blanket on me. Plus I was still wearing jeans. So that says a lot. I never wear jeans to sleep unless i'm unwell. I think that now that I have stepped forward and shown basically all my flaws, people think oh he's doing so well. NOT. I still have days like this. I'm happy I can write about it though. Just because someone is looking better, it doesn't mean they are doing their best on the inside. I'm trying my best to handle everything. I've been doing pretty well, but this is the first day after remission that I had a moment with this disease. It still very much so is there, even if it looks good. I wanted to jot down my thoughts yesterday, but my thoughts turned into my drainage tube and I kinda forgot my other feelings. However these thoughts still remain. I'm about to take a trip that may preview the next phase of my life. The trip in itself will be a chapter of its own. In a way it has made me change my priorities. It feels like i'm getting back on track of my prerogative. Which I think my followers are trying to decode. What is this guys motive? Hell, i'm still figuring that out. I think that after this week, once i'm in this new city, i'll have a clearer understanding of what that is. It feels so good to be sharing parts of myself that I haven't shared in so long. But i'm still holding back. There is still more to tap into. I know i'm putting all those feelings into music, as opposed to the public eye. My goal is for this to all come full circle and somehow I come out of this at the other side, back on my original track. If i'm being honest, writing this material in music form has made me so much more whole. In return much better content comes to the other aspects of my life. It shows now that i'm basically popping up on instagram twice a day. I bet some people are annoyed, if you are reading this and you feel annoyed, then why are you here? lol. People just want something to talk about. Some people just don't get why you are doing what you are doing. I recently just completely cut this former friend out of my life. I don't think he understood his motives came off as him using me. I don't think he realized he kinda took advantage of me without knowing. During my whole coming forward 2 weeks ago, he called me at 2am to bitch about decisions I was making. I was dead tired and he had no right to tell me how I should run myself. He's not my boyfriend and he's not my best friend. At one point I looked to him as brother. I've talked about him before in this diary. When it comes to T, all he cares about his business and trying to make it out in the world. He just bitches that it is so hard because he is not what people are looking for. So he fakes a whole act and tries to whitewash and drown himself in photoshopped photos , instead of embracing who he is. It is no wonder why he can't seem to connect with people. He pushes those who are close to him away and in return comes off as pretty inconsiderate and rude. He would always ask, why am I loosing friends, why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? Well, if you actually paid attention to people who put up with you, you would understand. He even advised me to not go to the city that I am headed to. He said he hates it and i'm going to hate it as well. That's his mind, not mine. He just said that because he's too scared to fall. It blinds his dreams and turns them into fear. I once saw a lot of myself in him, but as time went on, I started seeing less. Because i'm not like him. Those that I love, specifically Dan, Courtney and Sam, they guided me to see my prerogative is still very much so intact and apart of me. People like T can talk all the shit they want about me. I knew there would be some backlash when I came forward as my full self. There is only backlash because these people see me as threat. When people start putting all of themselves out there, they become a true competitor in this competition of life. I won't let people try to tell me how to run myself. They can watch closely, because they want to see if they can make their move, before I make mine. Well, go ahead and try and take me back down. Just because I have days like yesterday, doesn't mean I am down. Days like that are here to give me a break. So I can rise back up again. I won't stoop to a level and try to convince someone they aren't worthy of their life and dreams. I refuse to go down. No matter what happens, I will not have someone try to change my evolving prerogative. Moral of this entry is. No matter how bad things get on somedays, no matter how many people try to change your dreams and path, choose yourself and believe in yourself. My best bro, Dan reminded me over remission, to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I am worthy and I am the one in charge. This is my prerogative and it belongs to me and no one else.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What i'm wearing: Shirt - Alfani, Suit Pants - Michael Kors, Shoes - Apt 9, Sunnies & Watch - MVMT
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - Chapter 11
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)