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"Something In The Air"
In the weeks leading up to this entry, you could tell, I could tell, hell, even the air could tell, something is not right with this dude. I've made it pretty clear that smiling is now apart of my coat of armor. Just because someone is smiling, doesn't mean they go home to that. I touched base on the art of self defense, I brought my childhood back to life with Spider-Man to help ease some of the issues that I bury, and I spoke about mental health and why it is so important for me to keep that in check, especially now. I'm just gonna say it instead of further finding other ways to say it. But ever since New York, it has not been the same. It has been so stressful since I took off on that Jet Blue flight at the end of March. Looking back at every entry since then, I feel as if it has been leading me to a breaking point. When and what that breaking point is? I don't know, nor do I want to know. I don't want to get myself there. I don't think I will if I hold on as tight as I am, to every bit of sanity in my bones. Regardless of the smiles and the special moments that I have had in between, I do feel sad. At first I thought I was sad because it feels like something is ending. It still does, but I feel like issues from the past have to resurface so I can address them further, and unlike the last time, this time, head first. What is one of those issues? Abuse. Let's be real. Abuse. For so many years, I was abused in so many different forms. But the main form being verbal and mental abuse. Especially in my late teens. It honestly didn't stop until I was legal. By legal, I mean 18. Here's how this plays into my timeline. Anything before 12 was minor. 12-13 intermediate. 14-18 red hot. This happened during Time Is All I Have, Let The Music Be Your Guide, you name it. It was a really dense time in my life. I felt like not only did I have to continuously fear for my safety, but for the career I was working hard to build around me, and those who were close to me in my personal life. It is not something that I talk about often. It is a very thin line to walk upon when this person that did all this, has very close ties to a lot in our life. I won't address any of that. But i'm addressing this issue with abuse, because sometimes it feels like you are out of the woods. Trust me, I felt okay for the last 5 years with my disease. I didn't feel like someone was breathing down my neck, besides the hospital. I still don't, but I see things happening that mirror things that have happened to me. And it has ruined me over the last few weeks. It's bad enough, since I got back from New York, I have been trying to find ways to get back out of here. That was a stress case in itself. On top of that, it seems like no one wants to hire me for collabs anymore because instagram has become a literal pain it the ass for every influencer out there. Now with the added addition of the traumatic memories from my past resurfacing, in ways I never thought it would. I never thought I would have to get these underlining feelings back out of me. I thought I left that behind in 2013. I guess not! You know, I always address the circle of life. In fact I said in May, I guess the past and the present are connected. And damn, do I see that more than ever. You know when it came to the verbal abuse, it messes with you mentally. I don't want to say that, but when someone continuously harasses you and at one point locks you in a literal closet and threatens you to "come out". Who the hell wouldn't be messed up!? I remember that day so clearly. I'm literally minding my own business and then locked up in a closet being threatened with homophobic slurs. When I wasn't even gay. I have never willing called myself gay, nor do I list my sexual orientation as gay. Who I date and who I love, does not box me in. I think I further became that way, ever since I was locked in a closet with some of the most hurtful and painful slurs to be thrown my way via a door. Not only that, to be told that i'm not good enough over and over again, mixed in with harassment, that's not a joke, nor is it bullying, that is abuse. It took me to turn 18, to really understand all that happened over the last few years, that wasn't a "joke" as one would call it, that was abuse, I was abused. You have no idea what words could do to the mind. Sure, as a songwriter, that is a gold mine. But take my talent away, i'm a human who has been hurt. 2 weeks ago, I broke down. Because I can not bare with myself, if this happens again to people I love. It may not be in the ways I experienced it, but it is similar, and it is so clear how similar it is. When I up and left to LA, yes, that was for my career. But in all honesty, that was for my sanity and safety. I didn't feel safe. Once the abuse starting pouring into my friendships and my career, all bets were off the table. I had to keep not only myself safe, but my loved ones, and my career. That is why I can't live at home. That is why I can't stay in California for long periods of time. I love California. All of it. It is my home. But being here and seeing things from my past, it is like a stab wound that you thought had healed, but you can still feel the twist of the blade. When I was in New York, it was different. It was mixture of both LA and SF. Heck, even the small town of Fairfield. That night there after my performance at session 73, I swear to god, something in the air was telling me, not to go on my flight the next day. But how else was I going to stay there? Broke? Like I said, no one appears to want to pay good for instagram anymore. I honestly felt and still feel that a life can be built there. I would like to have that shot. Ideally, I have no damn clue when I'm leaving here. I keep saying September, because that seems like the best shot that I have. That 5 second window for me to just go and run. I would not be running away from my problems, because trust me, that will be dealt with. Silence is not something that is apart of me. That is why I can't stop preaching about how good my heart feels even talking about New York. Would I settle for something else right now? Yeah, sure, i'll go home to LA for a little, if that is my only option. But I would like go and live back in New York. You all read my thoughts about it. To really let that city hook me in, it was a slow burn for me. I didn't feel it, until the night before I left. Walking in Manhattan and feeling something so pure. Dashia doesn't feel the same way. She agrees that she liked the wonderful experience, but to the level and the way that I feel about it, she can't relate. I wish she could, but not every place will feel like the place to be. I never thought that when I left there, I would come back and have to deal with so much hell from every corner. It has literally been one thing after the other. I will not talk about my loved ones personal lives, but for Dash, Courtney, and anyone else that i'm close to, it has not been easy. I feel like that kid who was being dragged around on the floor, as a "joke". No, i'm not joking, that did happen to me. I hate that nasty feeling inside of me. I just want that pureness back. That's why when the star map company reached out to work with me, I chose that March 24th night, as a moment that impacted me. Because ever since that last night, nothing has really topped that moment of true pureness for me. I want it back. I want it back, so badly. I can not erase what happened in the past. I mean, it shows that I can't. I'm all about honoring my past, but I gotta add bettering my past to that. Because since it seems like my past wants to continuously haunt me, I have to somehow better it. No one knows it better than myself. Come to think of it, I never really gave parts of my past closure. I think that may be why life is giving me a hard time finding a way to leave this place. I need to confront these feelings. I'm sorry if it feels like i'm half in and half out. As one of my friends said recently, it's like the same, but with grey clouds hovering amongst the blue. I don't know how to evolve from this, but, we all know me by now, I always find a way. And I always find a way to get what I want. No matter what, there is always a way. I want that pureness back. That small period of time from when the clear glasses was put on, and the walk home from Session 73. There was something different about the air. I just want to breathe it again. It may be muggy right now, but I know I can breathe that air again. Things have been hard. Not as bad as 2017, well, some things are worst than 2017, but you get what I mean. We are at the halfway point of summer. Somehow it came and went so fast. I just hope I can hold on to my sanity and that hope of breathing the air again. Because if I can do that, i'm pretty sure come the end of this chapter, i'll feel a lot better than I did during these last few pages of my life.
END OF CHAPTER 15: PART 1
Photographer: Courtney Johnson & Dom Baza
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Van Leeuwen Collection, Shorts - H&M, Sunnies - WearmePro
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 15
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)