CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #46: Being Green
Being green. That is a term I use from my spiritual twin, Kermit The Frog. I've used that term since I got diagnosed with Glaucoma. Green is the color that represents Glaucoma. I always say, with Glaucoma, it's not that easy being green. As much as things can get stable, it truly is not easy dealing with it, no matter the stability. I think that is a more prominent factor now during the time of Corona. My Glaucoma and I have been okay. Healthwise, after those infections from the last few months, I'm okay. I never try to let my illness hold me back. I had to when I first got diagnosed, but since we got to a place of stability, I haven't been letting it hold me back. However, with Corona still high and mighty taking over the USA, I have had no choice but to let my illness hold me back, to move me forward. In a way, my illness held me back to move me forward the last time. I have to let it do it again. As you all know, I've been struggling to find a way to make my album here in California. So, I came up with a plan to leave back to New York for 2 months. With the uncertainty of COVID-19, that idea was shot down by my doctors. We then came up with a 5-week idea, but even with that, it is a huge risk to take during this pandemic. We are charting uncharted territory heading into the fall and winter. As much as I am willing and eager to get back to work, risking the hard work that has been done to my eye is not worth it. As it was brought to my attention, if something happens to me and I am across the country, then I am screwed. With all this uncertainty from the pandemic, who knows if they will shut down domestic travel. If domestic travel gets shut down and I am in New York, then I would be screwed. I just can't take that risk right now. Trust me, I was willing to take that risk. I already had my return date. I was supposed to leave on October 11th. Besides that, 5 weeks is just not enough time for me to complete all the work needed to be done on an album that should not be rushed. Being green in the time of Corona is a very thin line to walk on. It's new for all of us, and hopefully, by the end of the year, we get another plan on the drawing board, to see how I can move forward. I'm not going back to New York. At least not right now. I've made that clear. I don't know when I will return. I will return though. I have so much unfinished business that needs to be tied up when it is safe for me to do so. Instead, this never-ending chapter will not be ending anytime soon. I'm going to listen to my doctors and stay in California. I'm going to stay in quarantine. I am going to complete another 100 days of sweat. I just started my 3rd go around with that beautiful challenge. I can't wait to add a 3rd try to my belt. I am also learning the piano. I just started lessons last Thursday. I learned how to play within a day. I already know some of my songs, but I want to perfect that instrument. So, I am going to work hard and excel at my lessons so that when the time comes, I will be the one playing the keys within my songs. This is not what I had planned on doing for the remainder of 2020, but I will see it as a blessing in disguise. I know that all of this will benefit me in the long run. My doctors told me If I would like to, I can work on my album, but do the work here in California. I'm still going to be on the lookout for someone here. I hope that something can come along. But, for right now, I just want to sit back and take this all in. Sit back and take some sort of mini-break. I have been so consumed trying to find a way to do everything that I want to do when none of it is just possible to do during this pandemic. Recently, my best friend told me that I don't owe anyone anything. Just breathe for a second and let my thoughts play out. I'm grateful that he told me to do this because I wouldn't have made this decision to listen and stay if it wasn't for him. It's not fair, none of this is fair. But, 2020 has done this to mostly everyone else as well. I'm not the only one who had their year thrown for a loop. If people want to judge me for staying safe, then let them. It be like that. I'm just going to do my best to stay unbothered as I try to re-find my center that I had at the beginning of quarantine. Being green is holding me back, but, it is holding me back for a reason. And that's okay, because being green is who I am, and it's who I want to be, and it's doing this so I become who I'm meant to be.
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Disney, Pants - Uniqlo, Shoes - Madewell, Mask - Etsy