CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #43: Burning House
The last few days have been the most mentally challenging days I have gone through in a while. To actually be sitting here putting these thoughts in my head out on to the paper, it is a weird feeling. My family and I have been smack in the middle of the California wildfires. The last week has been rough, to say the least. My mind is all over the place. As I said last week, I wasn't feeling right. I was just getting control of myself, then this wildfire started and it threw me for a loop. Never in my life have I had to pack a bag so quickly for my safety. Never in my life have I seen people flee their homes in a situation that is straight out of a movie scene. Never in my life have I seen smoke and fires in the way I have seen them over the last few days. Never in my life did I think my strength would be tested the way god has tested me this last week, and we all know I've been through a lot of his tests already. The fires were one thing, but the mental space I had to enter was another. I can't really elaborate... you have to wait for my album to eventually release. I tell that part of my story within it. With that aside, this fire caused as much damage in my mind, as it did my surroundings. The hurt I have felt has caused me to feel so lost in a space that I hate having to revisit and renter. When you are a victim of mass hurt, that pain may settle and you may move forward, but damn, it still remains. I would have been much more lost than my current state if it wasn't for my siblings. Damn, they really were here for me, and still are here for me. I won't name names, but they know who they are. I hate feeling so worthless and empty, but I hate that I have to say this, it be like that sometimes. We have no choice but to continue working to conquer the demons we fight within. It is the only way for us to survive. Fighters learn to adapt and learn to find the strength they need. I know I have and will find a way to get a grip on my mentality once again. These are truly scary times. I feared for my life when I was packing my bags. I feared for my boys, who were screaming and crying because they were scared of the world around them. This kind of fear is not something children should have to bear. The fear of the disaster around us was traumatizing, added with the state of mind I am in, it is just a prison. All of this somehow decided to happen one week before the 1st anniversary of the day I got hit by the car. This is the same mental hell I was in 1 year ago. It is a scary place to be, yet, somehow, I find my way. I always find my way. I just hope that I can find it, sooner, rather than later. As I have continuously said, life is hard, it is scary, but it is up to us to control these uncertain challenges that we are faced with. As of right now, there is currently a lightning and thunderstorm outside, with no rain. I have never seen anything like this. This is the reason why these wildfires are starting up all over the place. I'm genuinely scared. I hate that I have to feel this way after I have made so much progress over the last year. So much good has come and I won't let this current situation and feelings that I have, overshadow that. But, I also will not push away the fact that my mind is not in the right state. It's going to take me a second to fully gain control of myself again. I'll take all the time that I need. These feelings, as much as I would like them to, they can't be rushed out of my system. I have to feel what I have to feel.
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Forever 21, Jeans - Levi's, Mask - Seek Discomfort