CHAPTER 2: 18 Days
Entry #11: "Home?"
They say home is where the heart is. That could be true, but it could also be the place you dread the most. Let's be real, I can't be the only one in their late twenties dreading home visits. In my case, it is a mixed bag. I love my family. Well, most of my family. Sometimes you can't choose your horrible relatives. If that ain't FACTS, then what is? I love my California. I adore the city by the bay that I once lived in, I loathe that small town in far far away land, and every night I always dream of my city of angels. It really is a mixed bag for me. As a New Yorker, we say, it be like that. It really do. I'm home for the first time in 71 days... I'm here for some tests and doctor visits for my eye. In case ya'll forgot, I'm sick... It doesn't just go away... as much as I wish it would... we'll get to that later... Anyways, do I even call it home anymore? Let's just say it is the place that I used to call home. My mom is making it known to everyone, that her son does not belong in the Bay Area. She literally told someone who said "Welcome Home" to me, "this is not his home anymore, he is far beyond this place." Bless her for saying that. Because honestly, it doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like some out of body experience in some afterlife. I arrived yesterday afternoon. First stop was a layover in my city of angels. I still get butterflies flying over LA. There is just this visible tug between me and that city. It has and always will be, meant to be. The timing just has to be right. I got off the plane and was greeted by the airport staff who carried my guitar off the plane. The 2 girls said to me, "I love your style, your outfit, your boots, your nails. You look like a rockstar. There is something so special about you". First off, that is the NICEST compliment you can receive after a 9-hour flight. 2nd, if that isn't a sign of some seed being planted for my eventual return to LA, then what is?... As I headed off to my flight to SF, I couldn't help but feel the bittersweetness creep up on me. It's written so clearly on every wall... this story is headed to LA. Maybe not in this chapter or the next. 100% though, that is the endgame. It always has been. As much as I would love to gush about my LA upbringing, it's time to talk about SF and the bay area, and why I now feel like an outsider looking in.
However, my story in California is not yet done. There is still something here, especially in LA... But, the bay area, it's not home anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with that. My time here will always hold a special place in my heart. I learned what I needed to learn from here. Like mom, and everyone else has said, you're far away from this place that was once home, you fit in, but you never belonged here. Now the world has me, and I'm playing in its large playground. For now, New York is home. I feel like it always will have a part of me. I passed my torch to everyone else to call SF, home. Hopefully one day, I'll have a firm location to call home. Until then, I'll carry the home that the love in my heart has created, everywhere I go. I'm here in the bay area for 18 days, let's see how the place I once called home, will treat me as a visitor, instead of a resident.
Love, Roydom Lucian
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What I'm Wearing - Turtle Neck - Champs, Jacket - Boss, Jeans - Levis