CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #42: Patience
Life takes you on a journey, on a ride, and sometimes life puts it all at a standstill so you can closely evaluate your thoughts and actions. I think I've made it pretty clear that I go through phases with mental health. Especially after I got hit by the car last year. Anxiety and PTSD, are a true bitch. With the bitchiness to the max pushed aside, I feel like I have learned to not only live with it, but I've learned how to handle it. However, I am human and on some days it just gets so hard to control. I've been going through those kinds of days recently. I have been so stressed trying to find someone to produce my album and overwhelmed, making myself feel short on time, for a deadline that I gave myself. I should know better, living in the world of this pandemic, it is not easy to do things that were once so simple. I feel like I have had multiple voices breathing down on me and making me feel a level of desperation, that I don't need to stoop down to. I would love to be back in New York or driving around the 405 in my Honda CRV. But, life is not that simple to just pick up and do that with the current situation we are all in. On top of that, I think people forget that I have my health problems. From my Glaucoma to my newfound Arthritis. I can't afford to be desperate and rush myself. I'm never going to get the end result that I want by being desperate. I work hard and from my hard work, I expect quality and nothing less. Trash is never an option. I can see and I have been told so much shit recently, and nearly 14 years into my career, I can not let opinions from other people try to throw me off track. They can judge me for staying in and staying safe amid a pandemic, that they choose not to think about. But, I will not sit here and make myself feel bad about choosing to do things one at a time. New York, I know people are judging me for being away this long to stay safe. YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES. YOU DO NOT HAVE MY ILLNESSES. I am NOT going to rush back to live a life that I know is not possible to live to the fullest during the age of Corona. I am choosing to be patient and trusting the universe that I will fall right back into the place where I last left off. When the times come for that, I will know. I have been living in my mind for the last few weeks. My mind is not the place where I want to reside in. Living in your mind can take you to places that are hard to turn away from. I am choosing to breathe and carefully find what I need during this time in my life. Corona has thrown a major wrench at my overall plans, even bleeding into 2021. Even as life tries to throw me off track, I know in my heart, I will find what I need. I may not find it today, or tomorrow, or this week, but I know I'm close to it. I'm closer than I've ever been. People think I'm doing nothing during this quarantine. But, I'm sitting here researching and trying to find ways to bring my truth and my story to life. I choose to bring them to life to their fullest capacity, I will not accept anything less. I will not reach a level where I am desperate to do things I wouldn't normally do. It's going to happen. Now that I feel like I have control of my mind again, I am going to make it happen. It may not be in the exact way that I want it, but it will be in a way that I am proud of. Ain't it something how things go around in circles. You go through it once and comes around differently. Yet, we always find a way to figure this shit out. I always find a way, and I know will find that way with patience.
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Neff. Pants & Socks - Uniqlo, Shoes - Converse