CHAPTER 2: 18 Days
Entry #14: "The House That Built Me "
My best friend Dan called me on FaceTime to ask me how it was to be back in my blue comic bedroom. I told him, it's strange. He called to check in on me because I haven't been feeling right. My eye has been bothering me to the max. I don't know why it is doing this, but I think it is a sign for me to start using my meds more than usual. I'm here in California to get my eye checked on, so it's good that I can get some answers and clarity that can hold me over until I return this summer. 3 days in a row, I almost collapsed. I could feel my eye pressure rise. It's been 6 years since I got diagnosed with Glaucoma. I somehow ended up scheduling this trip right around my illness anniversary. February 24th is one of the hardest days for me. I get really emotional. I feel as if I mourn the boy that I used to be. It's hard for me to describe the pain that I went through. The pain that somehow still remains. For the last 2 months, I tried to live a "normal" life. I pushed aside what I was feeling inside with my illness. I never forgot the time limit I was given, I simply just chose to put it in the back of my mind. Now I'm here in California to get an update, to see how this eye of mine is feeling. I bombed my vision test. This was not like this 7 months ago. There was some improvement, now, I just could not read that chart at all. It was horrible. I took this other test as well. It went okay, no damage to the tube area, which is good. The pain I've been feeling is because I need to be on the meds more than I already was. In order for me to be comfortable with everything, I need to be on more doses of my meds. I was cleared to go live another 12 months in New York, but I have to keep returning for these appointments. I'm fine with that. As long as the meds help me feel comfortable with everything, because I can now see, I really can't live without them. It's weird walking through the hospital hallways, knowing that I don't live here anymore. It's apart of my past, therefore apart of myself. Just like the childhood home that I once lived in. It's surreal for me to be out on the other side of it all, but still, have it very much so be apart of my life. I've come a long way since breaking down crying in these hallways, within the houses that built me. It's fascinating for me to watch these key parts of my life evolve within this new life I now live. My parent's house, along with the hospital, these are the houses that built me. I consider the hospital a place I once called home. A traumatizing home, but still, home. It's helped me come a long way from February 24, 2014. For that I am grateful. I know I've been given a time limit with what's been done to my eye. Moving forward, I have to remember that more because I do see the changes. They aren't good changes, they are something else. I don't like to think about it because it makes it more real, but this is real, this is something that is happening to me. Time is very precious and I will not be spending my limited amount of time by wasting it. I didn't go through all this hell within the houses that built me, to not say that I did all that I could. Out there in the world, it's like I'm someone else... I am... but I'm also still the boy that was raised within the houses that built me. I am both. I am stronger, but I am broken. And that's okay, that's who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with not being okay...
Love, Roydom Lucian
Photographer: RL Baza
What I'm Wearing - Jacket - Good Fellow, Sweater - Vintage Find, Jeans - levis, Shoes - Nike