CHAPTER 4: The Times They Are A-Changing
Entry #44: Workin On It
It is amazing how things change over the course of a year. Today is my first re-birthday. Yes, you read that correctly, RE-BIRTH DAY. A year ago the speeding lights tried to take me down. At the moment, I feel like I'm in the same mental headspace I was in 1 year ago. I don't know if that is how it is going to be every year, but I hope not. It's made this important day, bittersweet, to say the least. 1 year ago I was just trying to complete my 75th day out of 100 days of sweat. I for sure sweat, but I got the unwanted bonus getting hit by this man in his speeding minivan. I often replay that day in my head. It took my already unknown PTSD and dialed it up to a well-known characteristic that I'm forever bound to. The moment I landed on top of his van and then flew right off as he reversed his car. The light that surrounded me shined a different tone. A shade of light that I have never seen in my lifetime. I could have laid there and died, I would have been okay dying in that way. At least it would have been an epic headline, so I tell myself. But, something in me wouldn't let me go. I took whatever strength that I had and crawled for my life to the sidewalk, thinking that as the man was reversing, that he was in the mindset of killing me. That is how fucked up my mental headspace was. Once I made it to the sidewalk, I already knew that I would never be the same. Life changed in an instant and the life that I knew, more so, the soul that I knew, he was killed the instant I landed on the roof of that man's minivan. I try not to talk about Dom Baza often. I just want him to rest. Out of the insanity of that twisted experience, Roy Lucian came to life. I may not have known that in the exact moment, but It would become evident as the weeks went on. It was beyond difficult to have to re-learn how to walk and run. It was a challenge I was willing to take. I mean, I had already gone through hell with my Glaucoma and all the extra issues that came along with it. I went through hell to get those surgeries, injections, treatments, all so I could live some sort of life. I was wasting the time God had given me. I wasn't happy with what I was doing. I was being treated so wrong in a relationship that I continuously kept fighting for. Knowing deep inside, I have to let it go. I kept finding ways to stay in a place where I had overstayed my stay. I needed to get hit by that car, to wake up and see a different light. Now, 1 year later, I once again feel thrown off. For different ways that I can't dive deep into. At least not right now. It's not that I've overstayed my stay, it is the matter of the trapped mentality that you can gain during these uncertain and unsafe times throughout the world. This, for me, is the first time I'm being tested as Roy Lucian. I feel like I've done a miserable job at handling it, but it is only my first time. This is the first year of being my truest self. It is going to take time to understand my strengths and what I can handle. The boy that I used to be, he had so many battles to fight. When I laid DB to rest, his demons fell onto my shoulders. I'm still learning how to fight them, this time as my truest self. It is a learning process that I must continue to hone in and adjust to. Regardless of my brokenness that I feel inside, I will not let that overshadow the beautiful moments that occurred in between Corona and the tests god has been giving lately. I got up off of that sidewalk, sure I was injured, but I got up and found a way to live a life. The keywords are "FOUND A WAY". I must find a way during these uncertain times, there is always a way, it's just a little more of an uncertain challenge due to the world around me. I refuse to let the negativity cloud the hope that is still somewhere within me. The last year has not been bad, 2020 is not bad a year, it is just a challenging year, but it is a challenge I must continue learning to face, head-on. I am forever grateful for the last year of my life. As much I still grieve the mess that some of it became, out of the mess, the clearest thoughts from my head were born. I am so thankful that they did. I woke up that day, thinking I was just going to go for a run. I ended the day in the hospital with a broken mind, but open eyes. If that wasn't a true eye-opener that life is short, then I don't know what is. I look forward to the day that I find out the answer to all of this. I couldn't have made it to this day, a year later, if it wasn't for my family. So thank you, Mom & Dad, our boys, Robbie, and T. Courtney, Dash, Dan, Gio, Chrissy, Jamie, Braeden, Steven, Danny, Jenny, Anthony, Julio, and Jes. Jeudy, Jacob, and Dom. Auntie Mom, Mama Nell, Nellie, Josh, Lolie, & Tommy... and everyone else who has entered my life. Thank you for the new memories that will stick with me for life. I can't wait to see who and what else comes along in the year to come. I'm thankful to stand here at the exact spot where I laid to rest who I used to be, but continue to rise into who I choose to be.
I love you all. Thank you for your continuous prayers for every battle that I have no choice, but to fight.
You can try and tear me down, but look what has happened, I will ALWAYS rise from the ashes.
Happy first re-birthday to me.
LOVE OVER FEAR
Photographer: RL BAZA
What I'm Wearing Shirt - Good Fellow, Under Shirt - Express, Pants - Uniqlo, Shoes - Vans, Mask - Seek Discomfort